The atmosphere, the atmosphere, the atmosphere is on fire!

Fuck you very much. I suppose God mirrored the universe after his own disdain for us. Why does he treat us like cockroaches?

So God designed this beautiful world for us to use and enjoy; except that he created it fragile enough so that we could pollute the air and actually change the composition of the atmosphere and cause it to warm, making it so we can’t really survive in a stable environment. You’d think with God’s infinite ingenuity he would be able to give us a home with automatic climate control. Fuck, our cars have more intelligent design than God’s Earth.

So when our cities flood God will be up there in Heaven, yukking it up and having a grand old time doing whatever it is that God does up there. If life on Earth is any indication, he is probably fucking kittens and then tearing them apart.

If God were truly wonderful he’d forget about that stupid fruit eating thing (seriously, who gets pissed off this long over fruit. He seriously needs to see a shrink, but given he is the Almighty Creator of the universe, no shrink would survive five minutes to get into that fucked up head of his.

On top of that, God could have made the Earth able to sustain large amounts of CO2 into the atmosphere without any problem. Hell, the Earth could do something useful, like every time someone farts make it smell like roses or something.

On another note, you know what produces tons of CO2? Hell. God allows Hell to exist under the Earth’s surface thus allowing the gasses to escape into our atmosphere. Anthropogenic warming my ass. More like theopogenic warming. God did it.

Just think about it. If Hell is a place of fire and brimstone, and everlasting torture, then it has to be producing tons of CO2, right? It all can’t just stay in Hell, or Hell would explode and we’d end up in space or something. Fuck, Hell has an entire lake of fire in there. This thing is probably pumping out more CO2 than we can imagine.

Hell: totally not carbon neutral.

In any case, whether it is Hell or man, God made the Earth fragile and made it the only place we can live. Given God knew this would happen so by default he is responsible for making it this terrible.

Have you ever as a kid surrounded an ant or a beetle with water? Did you watch as it couldn’t escape and could only run around in circles until the water engulfed them and carried them away?

That’s what God’s doing to us with Global Warming. We are fucked.

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God hits the bullseye... everytime

What does the Bible say about women? Well, here’s the lowdown: they suck and should do nothing. Here are some Bible verses on how God treats women:

Job 14:1-4, ‘Man that is born of a woman is of few days and full of trouble. ²He cometh forth like a flower, and is cut down: he fleeth also as a shadow, and continueth not. ³And doth thou open thine eyes upon such an one, and bringest me into judgment with thee? ⁴Who can bring a clean thing out of an unclean? not one.’

1 Corinthians 14:34, ‘Let your women keep silence in the churches: for it is not permitted unto them to speak; but they are commanded to be under obedience as also saith the law.

Colossians 3:18, ‘Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as it is fit in the Lord.’

Genesis 3:16, ‘Unto the woman he said, “I will greatly multiply thy sorrow and thy conception; in sorrow thou shalt bring forth children; and thy desire shall be to thy husband, and he shall rule over thee.”‘

Exodus 21:7, ‘And if a man sell his daughter to be a maidservant, she shall not go out as the menservants do.’

Women get angry when their husbands say stuff like, “Get in the kitchen.” Or that women should be pregnant and barefoot. God does this one hundred times worse. He says, “When you give birth give it bloodily and painfully and cry about it.”

What about Islam?

They shopped for g-strings.

Yeah, full covering from head to toe. God mandates this. Why? Maybe God is just a giant homosexual who made women because Adam just happened to be straight and thought that even if the female was so disgusting he could at least watch Adam as he fucked the living shit out of Eve. So, to bear with this horrible gender he created he decided to fuck with the design so much that she bleeds from her vagina once a month and gets moody, as well as deposits placenta during child birth, in a sick and twisted way to try and get back at women for taking his man.

I think the God is Gay Theory is a pretty strong one, given how much he screwed women over.

What punishments does God give men? Well, he lets them take power, which is a total drag. He lets them not bleed from their cock once a month, nor get moody from said drainage of fluids.  Oh, he made it so they have to work hard for their food. Though, to be fair, men probably just offset some of this work onto women.

So where does this leave God? God has no sense of coolness with women. He hates them in that almost passive aggressive way by putting restrictions on them. It makes you wonder why God just doesn’t bitch slap every woman on Earth every half-hour or so. Maybe because he’s too busy fucking over everyone’s life to micro-manage like that.

God’s just a misogynistic fuckwad. Let’s face the facts. He marginalizes them, makes them property, tells them to shut the fuck up, makes them bleed from their vagina, makes them moody, makes them hurt when they give birth, and on top of all of that he makes their walking less bio-mechanically efficient than the walking of men due to their larger hips.

Whether God is a giant butt-hurt homosexual or not, he’s an asshole for his mandated treatment of women. I’d ask how women feel about their deity but they have to shut the fuck up or face the wrath of God. Either that or I’ll sell them into slavery.

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Yes. God’s an asshole. You should give him a good cursing every time your ear itches.

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God apparently had a change of heart, however. God decided to let a stone altar fall on top of the man and to kill him instantly. Man, that God, he certainly has a sense of humor, no? Then again, what do we expect from God at this point?

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1. Same hole for eating and breathing

Face it. You can choke. You breathe and eat from the same hole and sometimes this can cause problems. Like objects obstructing the airway that you intended to end up in your stomach (or at least you were placing objects in your mouth and inhaled at the wrong time). Why would God do such a cruel and unusual thing?

Hi, I'm a Mac. And I''m a PC. And I'm fucking choking!

Dolphins and whales have blowholes on top of their head. Why can’t we have a separate hole for breathing? Wouldn’t that make more sense? Isn’t that better design? But of course God saves all the cool toys for the whales and dolphins. On the other hand, I can imagine a whole new set of images online… anyone up for some blowhole porn?

2. Appendix

A silent and deadly killer, waiting to strike.

See that? No, that’s not Rapunzel’s hair. It’s your large intestine. That little pink thing that looks like your large intestines needs Viagra? That’s your appendix. It’s fucking stupid. It’s like God put a ticking time bomb into your body just because he wanted to watch people writhe around in pain for awhile.

Before modern medicine, can you imagine how many poor suckers died from the appendix? God didn’t grant humans the ability to reason into the field of medicine yet so they were left doing silly things like bloodletting and trepanation. Then God sat back and laughed at their feeble attempts to relieve the pain.

What a great sport.

3. The Eye

I know what you are thinking. “But hey, the eye gives us sight and allows us to experience the beautiful world.” There are a few things wrong with the eye. It’s stupidly constructed. Now, many creationists and God-lovers will try and tell you that the eye is this wonderfully complex design that couldn’t have happened by chance. Maybe I agree. But that doesn’t mean it was designed well. Maybe God designed it in a way that really makes no sense at all.

Look, a Rube Goldberg machine is really awesome and complex. It does cool things and can fascinate someone for hours. That doesn’t mean it is useful or does things in the best way. The eye is kind of like that.

For starters, the optic nerves are in front of the light sensitive areas of the eye. That’s dumb. Here’s what Wiki has to say:

The approximate field of view of a human eye is 95° Out, 75° Down, 60° In, 60° Up. About 12-15° temporal and 1.5° below the horizontal is the optic nerve or blind spot which is roughly 7.5° in height and 5.5° in width.

A blind spot. You have a blind spot because God decided that the best design was to just throw in the optic nerve over the photosensitive areas. Right. Either God was drunk that night or he’s just an asshole. Guess what theory I hold?

The eye as seen through an MRI. Or if we had cooler eyes.

Now, besides the stupid design of the eye itself, there comes the fact that we can’t see a vast portion of the electromagnetic spectrum because God decided we only needed to see an impossibly narrow field of the spectrum. It’s like experiencing the universe through a pinhole. How thoughtful of God.

There are vast swathes of the universe we couldn’t understand until we got special telescopes to filter out what bands we want to see and reduce them to something we can see. We will never truly experience the full splendor of a galaxy because we can only see a tiny portion of it.

You may say, “But dude, if we could see the entire spectrum we would be overwhelmed and it would be a miserable experience.” First of all, don’t call me dude, and second of all, God could have just given us cooler eyelids that had multiple filters. Flip one lid and only get infrared. Flip another lid and get x-ray vision. Flip another lid and we can see gamma bursts from distant stars. How cool would that be?

Well, we’ll never know, because God is a klutz who can’t even make a really sweet eye. We get stuck with limiting grapes for eyes. How nice of him.

4. Sex Organs

What? How can I say that the sex organs mean God hates us? Well, look where he placed them. Every time you perform oral sex you are basically licking and sucking on the thing that passes urine from the body. Right. Wonderful design there.

Also, no matter what men say to this, the g-spot on men is up the ass. Why the Hell did God place such a wonderful nub of pleasure way up your ass? At least for the female it is right up in front. The thing that can give men orgasms over and over again resides in an e-coli infested region of the body.

Smooth move ex-lax. On second thought, let’s not use that metaphor.

5. Itchy Anus

God made your anus with the ability to itch. Thanks God for ruining countless outings, interviews, and dates.

Fuck you.

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This is not a disco inferno.

What I want to know is what the hell (haha) was God thinking when he made Hell? Did he have a really bad day one day and decided to throw together the giant pit of fire and brimstone and decided to run with it forever. After all, he can never be wrong.

Also, what kind of God sends people to burn for an eternity because they don’t happen to believe in him, follow his rules, or because they were born to be midgets? Isn’t it a bit extreme?

It’s like God is this giant asshole judge somewhere that sentences kids to die by slowly skinning them with fine sand-paper while they roll around in a sack of salt. Because they farted. The smell offends God.

If humans had a court system like this we’d be sending five year old’s to prison for life for back-talking to their parents.

Stole bubblegum? That'll be death by hanging, child!

Got into a bar fight one night after drinking a bit too much and the man called your mother a bag of maggots? Death penalty. Drove over the speed limit? Death penalty.

There are religious people out there (In the US, mostly Christians) who really believe that all sin is worthy of sending someone to burn for eternity. Catholicism teaches that just being squirted out your mother’s twat (they call it the “Warm Wet Cave of Iniquity”) is enough to warrant a sentencing of an after-life of eternal hellfire.

God is an asshole because he sends mostly everyone to Hell because he is really picky about what they eat, who they sleep with, and where they sit after they bleed from their vagina. He’s the ultimate nitpicking jerk who, in his ultimate capacity for love and compassion, can’t bring himself to give the kid who stole bubblegum a break.

It just goes to show that the human sense of justice has evolved over time. We no longer cut people’s limbs off for breaking the law. We no longer torture people by disemboweling them alive because they gave an elder the ol’ stink-eye. God? He still burns souls for eternity.

Why hasn’t God evolved yet? Isn’t it obvious?

God loves to torture us.

It’s the only explanation for the “loving” God to really be a maniacal torturer who does everything in his power to make our lives miserable. Humans have improved their lives in every way possible despite God throwing diseases, disasters, and random bits of rock at us. God has not once ever tried to help us out or anything.

So there is one place we can’t possibly improve our lives and that’s after we die. So God takes glee in throwing our dirty souls into a giant pit of fire and I bet he laughs as we scream and writhe in pain as our flesh is consumed over and over again. In fact, he’s probably the one sitting there throwing salt onto our wounds.

God’s that twisted. He’s one fucked up deity and we have the ultimate pleasure of being stuck with him. So the best thing to do now would be to enjoy life, ignore the fucker, and start to shit yourself on your dying breath. It’s going to get warm, but hey, at least you don’t have to hang around God for eternity and listen to him brag about how awesome and jealous he is.

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I say to you, if you have faith as a mustard seed, you will say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move; and nothing will be impossible for you.

What Jesus didn’t tell his followers is that he was bullshitting them to the fullest extent.

If you clasp harder, God will stop laughing.

In fact, to test whether God was telling the truth or just being a giant asshole to everyone, we should get a group of 1,000 Christians together and have them try and pray to move a mountain into the middle of the Atlantic Ocean. That’s right, let’s take Mount Everest and tell it to pop up right in the middle of the Atlantic and have it stick up like a 12 year old  boy who just saw his first porno.

If God really meant what he said, he could surely listen to 1,000 whiny Christians, right? Probably not. He’d probably just give them the finger and give a few of them genital warts for trying to test him. Then give a baby killing abortionist a Corvette just to add insult to injury.

God makes prayer so useless you could skip praying altogether and get better results by, you know, actually going out and doing something. That’s right, God made prayer indistinguishable results-wise from random events that happen to alter your life in ways. So you never really know when God actually answered your prayer or not and silly people excuse it by saying that it was “his will” anyways. God gets off easy.

Christians prayed that he'd get a job. Instead he died.

So when people pray for things, God not only ignores them half the time, he makes things worse sometimes. This one nice family in Wisconsin prayed that their little girl would be cured of her diabetes. So as she laid there suffering and probably convulsing, God was laughing and scoping out the virgins of this generation. She died and God stood idly by. Besides, doesn’t God give kids diabetes because they are sinful blasphemers who came from the woman’s no-no spot that God hates?

The parents could have gone to the doctor and gotten her basic treatment, but apparently God told them that doctors are horrible things and can’t be trusted. See? God is just a giant douche-bag when it comes to these things.

Now of course some of you are probably thinking, “But praying alone doesn’t do anything, you have to take action!” If that is the case, why bother praying at all? Couldn’t you just take God out of the equation completely and just do something? Even so, isn’t it a little bit arrogant to think that if God already knows what is going to happen that he’d let himself be wrong just to make you happy?

Man, if you expected that, I imagine God would throw a tornado or two at you and open the ground up to swallow your children and livestock.

Like any scam, it is best to avoid playing into it. Prayer seems like a surefire easy way to get God to be your personal Santa Claus or bringer of good fortune, but in reality, prayer is just an excuse for him to make you feel like a giant asshole for asking in the first place, even though he’s the one that told you to pray and said it’d give results.

Isn’t he so wonderful to blame you for his shortcomings?

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Meet Jonah

Meet Jonah. The Bible tells us that Jonah was… well, actually, God didn’t think that Jonah’s life was important enough to talk about. All we know is that he apparently had a diaper fetish and ran away when big scary voices told him to do things. All in all he seemed like a sensible guy.

God, in his infinite compassion, tells this random guy to go to a city called Nineveh and to tell them how awful they are. God says

Jonah 1:² “Go to the great city of Nineveh and preach against it, because its wickedness has come up before me.”

Little known fact: some of God’s angels actually suggested that God ask first, instead of being a douche bag and just demanding things. To this very day, God’s angels cower in fear at the thought of Bloody Jonah Day

So, wondering why the fuck this weird guy is demanding things of him, he runs away and hops onto the nearest boat going out. Thinking he has escaped Jonah breathes a sigh of relief and changes his diaper.

However, like the psychopathic murderer that he is, God always catches up with his prey. Even so, apparently being all powerful means you can use whatever methods you want, even if they make no sense for an all powerful being to do. God sends a big wind to rock the boat, but he didn’t tip the boat over. The guys on the boat are all praying to various gods to stop the storm. What’s Jonah doing?

No, not singing. Sleeping. Jonah is apparently as oblivious to bad things happening as his God, but I suppose that makes sense. As above so below, right?

So after being awoken Jonah realized that his asshole of a God is the one that is traumatizing these people. So Jonah tells them to throw him overboard. They of course think he is bat shit insane, but after the seas get really bad, they figure anything is worth a shot. Just to cover their bases, they beseech God to not maim and kill them for throwing an innocent man overboard. Meanwhile, for their dastardly deed, God made them all impotent, but they didn’t know this for quite awhile afterwards.

So they throw Jonah over.

Before going further, it is worth to note that God, in his all powerful ways, always seems to use fear and violence to get his way. He could have just reached his grubby hand through the sky and nabbed Jonah, given him a spanking, and thrown him to Nineveh. But instead he has to make a bunch of sailors miserable in the process. Further, when they get home, everyone will think they are really crazy. God must get a real big laugh out of all of this.

So Jonah is now in the water, and God sends a giant fish to swallow Jonah whole. As ridiculous as everything has been up until now, God makes it even more ridiculous. Never mind all the physiological questions regarding how a man can survive inside of a fish. Of course, to Jonah, the fish only reminded him of his wife.

So Jonah spends three days inside of the fish being an emo ass and whining about how awesome God is, despite, you know, how awful God has been to him up until this point. Finally, he agrees to go to Nineveh and tell them how bad they are.

The second leg of the story shows how much God hates other cultures. It seems that modern day Christian Conservatives have certainly taken this attribute to heart. See, Nineveh was just minding its own business when this random guy comes along and starts telling them if they don’t start following this other god that they’ll be destroyed.

Funny thing, they heard about Sodom and Gomorrah before and found themselves quickly God-whipped into place. Suppose nobody has the gonads to stand up to God since Satan did oh so long ago. Then again, perhaps you think twice before crossing the path of someone as insane and murderous as God is.

But at least he loves you.  If God has taught us anything, it is that love out of fear is the sweetest love of all.

So the question is, what would have happened to Nineveh if they hadn’t capitulated and grovelled before God? I imagine it would have had something to do with a foreskin eating bacteria. What do you think?

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What a guy!

God doesn’t even come down himself to deliver the news. He sends some guy to do it for him. The angel is pretty crass too:

The angel said to her, “Don’t be afraid, Mary, for you have found favor with God. Behold, you will conceive in your womb, and bring forth a son, and will call his name ‘Jesus.’

You will do what I say, wench!

So here you have it. Not only does God not show up himself to inform Mary that he’s about to violate her personal space and privacy, he demands it, essentially. You will conceive a son. Mary can’t even name the child what she wants. She’s stuck with Jesus. Doesn’t Mary get a say in the matter?

To add insult to injury, how will Mary conceive? Oh, that’s easy. The angel explains:

Mary said to the angel, “How can this be, seeing I am a virgin?” The angel answered her, “The Holy Spirit will come on you.”

It really did happen like this.

I’m pretty sure Mary was thinking at this point, “Oh fuck, I didn’t sign up for bukkakke lessons!” Since God is feared, Mary keeps her mouth shut and smiles gracefully. That’s just the beginning of her nightmare.

God apparently doesn’t give a shit about our lives. He doesn’t seem to think it is so strange to waltz into a woman’s life, tell her she’s going to have a baby, and then impregnate her by having a spirit shoot a load onto her. I bet since God’s such an asshole, it was a money shot too.

What’s worse than all of this? God just waltzes back out of her life as easily as he came in. I guess God isn’t up to the task of helping raise a child. So Mary and Joseph had to put up with all of this on their own. You know how hard it is to wash Jesus when he can sit on water?

Mary could have used some advice from this book.

Mary, read this next time.

Yes, I’ll say it. God was a deadbeat dad. He shirked his responsibility and only came around during some big events (like Jesus’ baptism). Sure, some wise-men came around and gave Jesus some gifts, but after Mary bought all those killer shoes there wasn’t much left.

I think it’s clear by now that God it a giant asshole. He tells a woman he’s going to impregnate her through a messenger, gets her knocked up while she sleeps, and then runs out of town when it comes time to actually take care of the Son of God.

Seriously, who would follow such a loser?

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Jesus... Where are you?

Christians will tell you God made the ultimate sacrifice and gave his son to die for your sins. Didn’t God also say that human sacrifice is unacceptable? If Jesus willingly went to die, isn’t that suicide? If this is any indication of anything, it is that God doesn’t care about any rules he makes for other people.

A temporary leave of absence.

So why did God send Jesus to die? Well, if the Old Testament is any indication, he did it for the self-satisfaction of doing something arcane and violent to right something he fucked up. God is such a prick he can’t stand to cleanse you of your sins and let you into Heaven. No, you have to be metaphorically drenched in the blood of his human sacrifice.

Isn’t God lovely?

So God had his protege tortured and killed because it was some sort of great giant divine plan. It was the best sacrifice he could make, which wasn’t much of a sacrifice because he was going to get his investment back in full anyhow. Yeah, Jesus just waltzes out of a tomb, reprimands a man for having the audacity to ask for proof of his existence, and flies into Heaven by the power of his awesomeness.

Still waiting...

He promises to come back, but until then, they are to be good little people and try and do the right thing. They must also ritualistically drink his blood and eat his flesh, because that’s the cool thing to do around these parts.

With all of this done, God now has the sweet satisfaction of always shoving it ino your face about how great he is because he sent his son to die for your sins that he prosecutes you for because he has no common sense when it comes to dealing with the nuances of human existence.

To make matters even more perverted, God will apparently accept anyone into heaven that accepts Jesus. Anyone. Even that crazy guy who molests kids that lives down the street who you found out about by searching through the sex offense registry. Hell, if Hitler’s dying thought was about how much he accepted Jesus and loved him, guess who you’ll be meeting once you get into the pearly gates.

Fucking Hitler.

This is a slap into the face for any semblance of justice, but God doesn’t give a rat’s ass about logic or any of that. He just wants you to symbolically lick his balls and scratch the upper end of his ass crack.

What’s worse is that millions of Christians every year ignore the origins of the holiday they stole and tell you that Jesus is the reason we celebrate Easter. Never mind all of those other ancient pagan rituals and holidays. The sole duty of the marking of the Spring Equinox is so that Christians can gather together and pretend to actually care about their half-baked stolen theology.

Hide these from Jesus! He'd addicted!

They do this grave duty of marking the pseudo-death and resurrection of Jesus by painting eggs, hiding them, and stuffing their face with chocolate. This is totally what Jesus and God had in mind when they went through all of this. Further, Jesus is really addicted to eggs, and can’t help but break them open and eat their contents.

Since God doesn’t care about any of his rules, and Jesus gets really pissed off about Christians hiding the Easter Eggs, any Christian who celebrates Easter with eggs and chocolate will go to Hell. No questions asked. One-way ticket.

To all the heathens, atheists, and pagans out there, have a good secular Easter. To all the Christians out there who stole the old rituals and shove lies about the origins of Easter down our collective throats, enjoy Hell.

Hey, don’t blame me. God’s the one that’s an asshole. Take it up with him.

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