God Hates You: Top 5 Bodily “Designs” That Suck
Look, I really hate to be the one to break the bad news to you. God hates you. He really does. Don’t worry though, he hates all of us, and it is very evident from his “design” of us that he was just playing a really cruel and stupid joke. The thing is certain aspects of our body really make no sense and on top of that, can kill us. Why the hell can our own body kill us?
1. Same hole for eating and breathing
Face it. You can choke. You breathe and eat from the same hole and sometimes this can cause problems. Like objects obstructing the airway that you intended to end up in your stomach (or at least you were placing objects in your mouth and inhaled at the wrong time). Why would God do such a cruel and unusual thing?
Hi, I'm a Mac. And I''m a PC. And I'm fucking choking!
Dolphins and whales have blowholes on top of their head. Why can’t we have a separate hole for breathing? Wouldn’t that make more sense? Isn’t that better design? But of course God saves all the cool toys for the whales and dolphins. On the other hand, I can imagine a whole new set of images online… anyone up for some blowhole porn?
2. Appendix
A silent and deadly killer, waiting to strike.
See that? No, that’s not Rapunzel’s hair. It’s your large intestine. That little pink thing that looks like your large intestines needs Viagra? That’s your appendix. It’s fucking stupid. It’s like God put a ticking time bomb into your body just because he wanted to watch people writhe around in pain for awhile.
Before modern medicine, can you imagine how many poor suckers died from the appendix? God didn’t grant humans the ability to reason into the field of medicine yet so they were left doing silly things like bloodletting and trepanation. Then God sat back and laughed at their feeble attempts to relieve the pain.
What a great sport.
3. The Eye
I know what you are thinking. “But hey, the eye gives us sight and allows us to experience the beautiful world.” There are a few things wrong with the eye. It’s stupidly constructed. Now, many creationists and God-lovers will try and tell you that the eye is this wonderfully complex design that couldn’t have happened by chance. Maybe I agree. But that doesn’t mean it was designed well. Maybe God designed it in a way that really makes no sense at all.
Look, a Rube Goldberg machine is really awesome and complex. It does cool things and can fascinate someone for hours. That doesn’t mean it is useful or does things in the best way. The eye is kind of like that.
For starters, the optic nerves are in front of the light sensitive areas of the eye. That’s dumb. Here’s what Wiki has to say:
The approximate field of view of a human eye is 95° Out, 75° Down, 60° In, 60° Up. About 12-15° temporal and 1.5° below the horizontal is the optic nerve or blind spot which is roughly 7.5° in height and 5.5° in width.
A blind spot. You have a blind spot because God decided that the best design was to just throw in the optic nerve over the photosensitive areas. Right. Either God was drunk that night or he’s just an asshole. Guess what theory I hold?
The eye as seen through an MRI. Or if we had cooler eyes.
Now, besides the stupid design of the eye itself, there comes the fact that we can’t see a vast portion of the electromagnetic spectrum because God decided we only needed to see an impossibly narrow field of the spectrum. It’s like experiencing the universe through a pinhole. How thoughtful of God.
There are vast swathes of the universe we couldn’t understand until we got special telescopes to filter out what bands we want to see and reduce them to something we can see. We will never truly experience the full splendor of a galaxy because we can only see a tiny portion of it.
You may say, “But dude, if we could see the entire spectrum we would be overwhelmed and it would be a miserable experience.” First of all, don’t call me dude, and second of all, God could have just given us cooler eyelids that had multiple filters. Flip one lid and only get infrared. Flip another lid and get x-ray vision. Flip another lid and we can see gamma bursts from distant stars. How cool would that be?
Well, we’ll never know, because God is a klutz who can’t even make a really sweet eye. We get stuck with limiting grapes for eyes. How nice of him.
4. Sex Organs
What? How can I say that the sex organs mean God hates us? Well, look where he placed them. Every time you perform oral sex you are basically licking and sucking on the thing that passes urine from the body. Right. Wonderful design there.
Also, no matter what men say to this, the g-spot on men is up the ass. Why the Hell did God place such a wonderful nub of pleasure way up your ass? At least for the female it is right up in front. The thing that can give men orgasms over and over again resides in an e-coli infested region of the body.
Smooth move ex-lax. On second thought, let’s not use that metaphor.
5. Itchy Anus
God made your anus with the ability to itch. Thanks God for ruining countless outings, interviews, and dates.
Fuck you.
Yes, “Fuck You” indeed. that was awesome but you forgot something.
What about the Sternum? a little button in the middle of your chest that if hit and render you completely incapacitated for several minutes. Or if struck hard enought cause death.
What about the “funny bone”? the nerve that runs up you arm along the humorous. everyone knows how much that sucks? why couldn’t that be a little better protected?
Than we have much more proof that “god” hates us. Birth Defects, Accidents that happen to good people, Prejudice, Sudden Infant Death Syndrome (SIDS), Hot Girls that vote republican, and of course the most damning proof of all…. FORMER George Bush (Sr. and Jr.)
I love how you wrote that comment to bash the opposing bipartisan club of your obviously omniscient perspective. “Hot girls vote republican”? Maybe the part of the body that you dislike is your social life.
Were you talking about the xiphoid process, just below the sternum?
Neil deGrasse Tyson has a wonderful 5 minute lecture on ‘Stupid Design’ http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C1cKD93W3yg which addresses this point quite well.
Here’s one, why is it we walk the way we do. It’s like falling forward with a little bit of control. Have you ever just watched people walk down the street? God’s such an asshole
Actually, the appendix is a remnant from the days when people lived far apart, and it was necessary to have a “refuge” of sorts for gastrointestinal flora. It’s defunct now, because even if all our internal bacteria up and left, we could easily catch them again from other people.
Don’t puke, they’re a necessary part of the digestive process.
Well, I guess I have to say that, for all the shortcomings in the body’s “design”, it hasn’t impaired the the survival of the species to any significant degree since we’ve managed to overpopulate the planet and are on the brink of making it uninhabitable for ourselves and other life.
Besides, our brains make it possible to more than compensate for our bodys’ limitations by designing machines that can far outreach our own personal capabilities. You wouldn’t want to carry all that hardware-telescopes, spectrum analyzers, computers, etc, etc around all the time as parts of your body would you?
Sure, it all makes sense if you ascribe to the “the world is natural and evolution is true” theory. That shit don’t fly here. God designed us, horribly, just to fuck with us.
Seriously? I am tired of you eco whiners. The planet is fine, it will be fine for more than your lifetime, your children’s lifetime (I hope you don’t procreate), and your children’s children’s lifetimes (Again don’t breed you gullible sap). Everyone is so worried about the shit that will never ever happen within any feasible amount of time. By the time the planet is uninhabitable we will be in space, or we will have easier ways to fix the issues we currently face. Instead of blowing billions of dollars we don’t have fix the things we can fix now without dooming our children to lives of poverty.
Back on topic, Yes the body is outrageously flawed. Same organ used to make babies that makes excrement. So are children just a secondary form of excrement? Eyes are so easily damaged they suck. Oh yeah, we have eyelids to protect them? Fuck that eyelids blow! A flimsy piece of skin is suppose to protect such a vital sensory organ. Give me kevlar eyelids, or stone eyelids. Better yet, give me eyelids like those “James Bond” doors that look like camera shutters, made of titanium, or better yet, tungsten, maybe bismuth.
What you have made is a strong argument for evolution, and against “intelligent design”. These things evolved to solve specific problems at the time. There was no need to see cosmic gamma ray burts when all you needed as to find food and avoid being eaten. Although infra-red might have been useful there!
Simple truth. There is no god, malevolent or otherwise. we evolved the way we are because it worked well enough to live long enough to breed.
Indeed, but here is some food for thought. The only reason that we can hypothesize about our inadequacies is because our consciousness,(again, product of our environment) learns and wishes to improve to have a better chance at survival. The human organism is complicated beyond our understanding and regardless of how profound our understanding of it becomes, we will always find ways it could be better because of simple human nature that compels us to.
How about cancer, a whole body full of cells that can suddenly decide to call it quits and decide to take the rest of the body with it, in the most pain full and gruesome way possible.
How about a self cleaning butt, every other critter in the animal kingdom doesn’t have to use toilet paper, so how come we got stuck with it.
How about toes, all the other monkeys got really useful toes, grab stuff, climb trees and we got those short stumpy things, seemingly only good for getting broken or getting infected and stinkin’ to high heaven, perhaps god should take that odour as a sign of a truly dysfunctional design and consider a do over.
Well we’re not Monkeys, we’re Apes. Both Apes and Monkeys are Primates. I do, however, envy other Primates’ abilities to climb trees, especially Monkeys.
Evidently our feet made us successful enough on land to support enough offspring to be as numerous as we are. However the abundance of Podiatrists in this World suggests that feet are flawed in design and yes they stink, particularly when kept in shoes because feet aren’t hardy enough already.
Let me start by saying: Hey, according to the bible it was God’s first time creating a universe. lol.
Fu2: It is the very design of our body that has us exactly where we are now. Biologically we simply aren’t meant to be a top predator with nothing preying on us.
As for the spectrum bit: Better this way actually, since there is only a certain amount of brain space to go around, to get those extra spectrum you’d need to give quite a bit of brain space to them.
Chief, we have a shit ton of brain space we barely have tapped into the use of. You know those folds in the brain? Those are built to hold additional information. Now if your brain had no wrinkles, sure we wouldn’t need that stuff because we wouldn’t be able to store it all.
According to the bible, god is perfect. First time or not he should have ace’d that shit right off the bat. If I was perfect, fuck, I would do everything because I obviously can’t fail, I am fucking perfect.
God could have made our brains have more wrinkles and folds. Instead he put more wrinkles in folds onto old fat people. Oh well.
1) Eyebrows. WTF are they for?
2) The Gallbladder. Not really very useful – we do just as well without one (I don’t have one), but when they go wrong, it’s excrutiatingly painful, and can be fatal.
3) Putting the testes on the outside, where they are extremely vulnerable.
4) Lower back pain.
5) Wisdom teeth. We don’t need them, and many people don’t have space for them, and have to have them removed.
Well, as far as I know, eyebrows keep sweat out of our eyes, and the gall bladder makes bile which is needed for soem reason I no longer remember.
Yeah, I never got the testes thing either – I mean, dolphins have them inside, so why not us?
Water is cold. Sperm likes the right temperature. Your core temperature is too warm for your army of prospective children to sit comfortably, so they hang out. When you get into cold water, why do you think your danglies huddle together? For warmth.
You know, it may have been “god’s” first time creating the universe but he’s “god” you know? he’s FUCKING GOD.
but anyways. I think this post is good, but you assume that god exists, and that is a fallacy if all you do is complain about this “god.”
Wow, apparently the Jesus freaks have nothing to say about this…surprising. I figured I’d scroll down and see some random scripture, completely misinterpreted to mean “god did that on purpose”.
Adding insult to injury, the octopus has an eye that’s almost identical to ours, parallel evolution, they say. Only theirs is wired right! With the optic nerve BEHIND the photosensitive cells.
And don’t get me started on the pistol shrimp, who apparently has the sweetest set of eyes on the planet
Octopi don’t have binocular vision like humans, they couldn’t automatically fill in the blind spot as accurately as humans.
What about the brain, like, why isn’t the brain behind your rib cage instead of at the end of a weak neck, vulnerable to low branches, dinosaur tails, etc. That’s the dumbest part!
Dinosaur tails? Humans don’t have to worry about dinosaur tails.
As for why the brain is at the top, look up neural differentiation and the neuronal tube. The skull is thick, and round, which allows for dissipation of force better than most bones in the body. Not to mention, the brain is directly behind the eyes, which means your reflexes will take care of your brain before you can consciously do so.
It’s in a safe place.
So, I guess that means you could do better? Thinking of it is one thing, but could you do it?
The poster does not call himself the almighty all-powerful God
what a pile of turd this article is
God put this article here to piss you off.
One word: Coccyx.
I totally agree brother. And think about, what’s the point of disease? Seriously, what the hell is stuff like AIDS all about? You get punished for doing something awesome, is that what kind of ass God is? Not to mention cancer, which can happen to anybody. What a douche.
Good points on AIDS. Since it jumped the gap, there’s just no rational God-bound explanation for it. Now it just scares the shit out of everyone.
I got one. The asshole in general. Surely, there has to be a better mechanism than dropping out a steaming pile of refuse. Then there’s everything that goes wrong with it. I don’t think I have to start, just take a tally of half the times in your life you pleaded “God, just let it end!” and you’ll have enough examples.
@jim: STFU!
@jim: I say god is a steaming shit pile!!
god hates those with birth defects too Leviticus 20:21
hello what about the nose? you can breath out of that you know.
I know god hates me because, as I write this I am in extreme discomfort because my retarded immune system decided to wage a Phyrric war on some airborne particles that present absolutely no danger to my body whatsoever.
Thanks, God! No, really, I had nothing better to do this month than sneeze and itch.
Sure, the human form is badly “designed”. However it is illogical to then argue that whatever supernatural being who designed it is evil if the whole thing was “designed” by the imperfect mechanism of evolution by modification and descent. In other words, you can’t use this to argue that “god is evil” if “god” does not exist anyway.
There’s one point that’s left out, balls
Why is something so important for the continuation of the human race, just dangling there in nothing but skin? Totally vulnerable to everything?